High Standards Aren’t the Reason Your Relationships Fail, Your Unhealed Patterns Are

Let’s be real, ladies! It’s so easy to believe that your expectations are the problem when it comes to finding a lasting love. You know, maybe your list is too long or you’re just too picky. I mean you are a brilliant brown woman in your bag. But, what if your standards aren’t the real issue after all? What if the block is something deeper like patterns and protection mechanisms you haven’t even realized you’re still carrying? 

If I may, let’s unpack that. And more importantly, let’s walk through three ways you can begin to heal it. But first, I’ll share my story. 

I Was a Superficial Lover Girl

That’s right. I used to be the girl who loved from a safe distance. I’d meet a man — be it in person or on an app— and know within days whether or not he would ever get to know the “real me.” Most men only got to know the girl my Big Sis referred to as, “Fifi!” Yeah, “SLG FiFi” was that girl! She knew absolutely how to draw a man in…but would absolutely only let him get so deep into her heart. It wasn’t that I couldn’t connect. I just wouldn’t let myself. I had deep-rooted trust issues and childhood wounds that made me emotionally unavailable, even when I swore I was ready. I had to learn to heal so that when real, reciprocal, godly love showed up, I wouldn’t sabotage it. And to get there was going to take a lot of work, and the right man who made me want to do the work. 

Then Came Him

When I met my husband, I really never expected to get married. I’d just broken up with someone and “SLG” was ready to get on the prowl. I planned to meet and connect with guys, but not go deep. Remember, that wasn’t “SLG Fifi’s” style. And then I messaged with him on a dating app and I knew wanted to be different with…him. So, that meant I had to break an old pattern. 

See, in past relationships, situationship, or the like, I used to shut down during conflict and disappear emotionally. And didn’t care what carnage was left in my wake. 

But with him, yeah, I wanted to be different.

So, when a few months into dating, we had our first disagreement...I was faced with living up to this new version of me I wanted to be. Every part of my old pattern said: retreat. Go quiet. Let it fade. But this time, I didn’t.

I told him:

“If I get quiet, don’t you get quiet too. Just give me space. Don’t pull away. If we both shut down, we won’t make it.”

Ladies, that moment shifted my life. It was healing in motion. I wanted this relationship with him. And for the first time, I did the work to push through my walls and let him in.

Now, let’s be clear ladies. I know not everyone deserves your vulnerability and that’s not what I’m encouraging at all. But the right one? Yeah. That one. You need to be ready for him when he shows up.

Don’t be like me and wait to heal when he arrives. Here are three ways you can get started now:

Tip 1: Bag Lady, That Bags Not Even Yours 

Girl, listen! Not every bag of issues is even yours to hold. You may be lugging around your mama’s trauma, your ex’s betrayal, or your childhood beliefs about love and relationships. Now is the time to take inventory. Ask yourself: ‘Is this mine to carry?’ If it is, unpack it. That can be through therapy, prayer, or even a healing journal exercise…just let it go! And if it’s not even yours to be holding onto, it’s time to set it down.

Tip 2: Safe Doesn’t Always Mean Healed

A lot of us are dating safe, not healed. Mic drop! Yep! I said it. Ladies, this reformed “Superficial Lover Girl” is here to call you on the ish I know you do, because I used to do it too.

The pattern was so easy.  Choose emotionally unavailable men because they never ask us to go deep. Or we date men who idolize us instead of really seeing us. They never get to know the “real” us. But healing means being vulnerable. Being seen. And being open to real love, not just the safe love that allows a superficial version of us to show up.

Tip 3: Stop Dating in a Silo

Isolation is dangerous when it comes to dating. Especially when you plan to change your mindset and patterns.

You weren’t meant to do this alone. When you hide your dating life from your circle, your therapist, your journaling practice, to block yourself from judgment, you are also blocking yourself from wisdom, too.

Start sharing your experiences with trusted people who can lovingly call out your patterns. Your healing will accelerate when your community is clear on what you’re working through. Let them know you’re ready to show up differently in love and trust them to hold you accountable. 

And as for your personal accountability, before you dive into another app or say yes to “Mr. Right Now,” take a quick personal inventory. Ask yourself: which version of me is showing up right now? Is she healed or a superficial version of me?

Ladies, healing isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. Not because it guarantees a relationship, but because it helps you become a partner who can receive and sustain the kind of love you truly desire and deserve. Your standards aren’t the problem. Your unhealed patterns are. And the good news? You can change that. Starting today.

I’m rooting for you, Savvy Lady!